I have now spent a week in the Gillingham and Shaftesbury area seeking employment opportunities. What have I achieved? It's hard to say. Sowed seed takes a while to appear above ground even if germination is instantaneous. It may be that some of my seedlings are about to join the daffodils and other tuberous plants coming to life at this time of year. But I don't know that. I feel that I have spent an entire week banging my head against something very hard. Some of the people have been as dense as – iron, lignite, osmium? Some uncaring and unhelpful. Others helpful but stymied by 'the process'. That's the process devised by the Business Analyst! Oh, that was me...
Here goes: 'I'm looking for a job.'
'What are you?'
Interesting question. I'm a wandering coyote. A lesser-spotted tripehound. A bearded tit! I am unsure of the correct answer – it clearly isn't obvious.
A variation: 'What do you do?' Cartwheels, rolling downhill in burning tyres, underwater synchronised admin. 'Do any of those fit the requirement?'
If I fail to categorise myself, typecast myself, label myself, put myself into a pigeon-hole, people go to pieces. 'I'll do whatever you want me to do, if it's within my capability.' Sadly nobody can cope with that.
There is a company in Gillingham that currently has three roles to fill. They describe themselves as ethical and respected and operate out of a massive Trivial Pursuits geography cheese (with apologies to my readers less well-acquainted with this grid-locked dormitory). They want a Web Developer. I have built websites. I have maintained websites. I write HTML, CSS, SQL etc. but I am not a Web Developer. That is not my primary function. They want an IT Support Manager. I have a degree in Computer Engineering. I have worked in IT for donkey's years. I have provided all sorts of IT support. But I am not an IT Support Manager, per se. They want a Warehouse Assistant. I have worked in warehouses, on factory floors, picking and packing, QA, dispatch and goodness knows what else. So I wrote to them via a well-hidden email address. I told them all of the above and attached a CV suggesting that in some way they might find me useful. The response? 'Hi Paul, {inane niceties}. Unfortunately {blah, blah} someone with a forklift truck licence. Please continue looking at our website. {more blandness} Kind Regards.'
That leads to another depressingly common response - 'all vacancies are on our website.'
'Thank you, but do you know if there are any vacancies locally that I might find there should I look?'
'Don't know.'
Another one I have had: 'We do have a vacancy for a thingummy but you will need to apply online.' So I go online and online it says 'Apply in branch.' Arrr....
'We have nothing at the moment, but try again in six months'. I'll have starved to death by then.
Employment Agencies. A bunch of half-wits collecting hourly rates from employers for simply existing. One would hope that, upon entering one of their establishments, they would take the time to get to know the prospective employee, their abilities, requirements and then make some recommendations based on the opportunities that they are needing to fill or have available. Obviously not.
'Have you seen something that you would like to apply for?'
'Where would I have seen that?'
'On out website.'
'No. I was hoping that you would know that and would be able to make some recommendations given that I am in town, I am here, you can look at me and we can have a meaningful conversation.'
'Oh no! We don't work like that!'
'So it's DIY then?'
'Noooo' and they look all offended! But it is DIY. And it's anonymous. It's faceless. It's just rubbish!
Careers. No longer does anyone want you to just get a job. 'Build your career with us. Dream the dream. Fulfil you aspirations.' What? working on a production line? Please. I could be flattering myself but I like to think that I am at least moderately intelligent, articulate, interesting, adaptable, et cetera et cetera. That seems to be the problem. Brain not required.
So as you can tell, it hasn't been the most inspiring of weeks. In fact it has been depressingly frustrating. But I have filled in a number of application forms, sent a CV to loads of destinations and who knows? Maybe a seed will germinate, grow and bear fruit.
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